Quiet Time

The mornings start off well, but it is the couple of hours that Solon is down for his nap that my mind goes back to my dad. I try so hard to keep busy. Doing dishes, taking out the trash, washing clothes...but I can't ignore that deep pain jabbing in my heart.

I try and force my brain to think of a story. Something I can zero in on just so I can ignore the big emptiness inside me. So I just stepped outside to pet Taco and stood and looked out on the backyard. It is cold, windy and rainy. The exact weather my dad couldn't stand. He had such thin skin and would drag out his big green winter coat as soon as the temps dropped below 72.

My dad lived with me and Jay for 9 months a few years back. From September 2004-July 2005. The place he had been renting down in Pensacola had been hit hard by Hurricane Ivan, and he needed a place to live while his townhouse in Perdido was being finished up. I have a lot of stories from those months but this small one popped in my head.

I came home a little early from work one day, and my dad was standing at the fireplace. I saw him make a quick gesture and then I smelled it. Caught red handed. "Daddy! Are you smoking a cigarette inside!!" He tried to tell me no..but the evidence was there amongst the logs. He looked at me and told me it was just too cold to be outside. I laughed and shook my head.

I couldn't say much because neither Jay or I washed a single dish or did a load of laundry the entire time he stayed with us. He also had dinner ready for all 3 of us every night. Jay and I would sit on the couch, and he would drag a chair over to the glass coffee table, and we would eat there together. Sally and Janie always like to poke fun at Jay because he got so fat (fat for Jay) during this time. Living off of chili cheese hot dogs will do that to someone.

This is going to be a hard week ahead for everyone in our family.

Him not being in his kitchen...fretting over his ham...while we all lie around his den...him asking Jay about football because after raising so many girls he didn't really follow it closely...Shellye making her artichoke dip...and all of us eating around his coffee table at the end of the evening...and groaning when he offered up his snicker pie. It is going to be hard for me to realize that this will not be part of my holiday.

I am going to do my best to just think of all the funny and happy times I shared with my dad. Or the times I had to slightly get onto him. And then look at Sally & Janie and see his reflection in their faces and smiles. And try to smile with them. Because that is all my dad ever wanted...was us to be happy. And he loved our smiles.