Thoughts

I don't know where to begin, and have been debating on whether or not to keep the blog going after what happened last weekend.  I started this blog for my parents when I was a few months pregnant.  It was a place for me to share snapshots of our daily routine in Atlanta, so Momma and Daddy could feel close to us despite being far away.  Now, I look at the blog and wonder who will even bother reading it now. I lost my dad 18 months ago, and a week and a half ago I lost my mom. 

We were in Pensacola for the 4th of July weekend, and I had spoken to my mom the Wednesday before we left, and we agreed that she would stay home in Jackson because she didn't know if she would be up for making the drive.  I made a promise to her that we would be in Jackson in three weeks time, so she would be seeing us before she knew it. 

Her birthday was July 2nd, that Saturday, so we all called her that morning.  I was the first one on the phone, and she demanded that I sing "Happy Birthday" to her, and I did and Sally, Janie, Cat and a few others joined in.  She was so happy on the phone.  Overwhelmed with the flowers and balloons we had sent her, and excited about the new chair she had just bought and was being delivered that day.  I passed the phone along to Sally & Janie.  It breaks my heart to look back in time and know this was the last time I would ever talk to her.

She passed away that night in her sleep.  On her birthday. She had gone out to dinner with girlfriends before, and they have since told us that she was in great spirits and looked fantastic.  That is what makes all of it so hard for me to comprehend.  In just a blink of an eye, she was gone. 

Now Momma and Daddy are both gone.  There is this huge hole in my life that will exist forever.  No parent to call me sweetie.  No parent to call and tell them about the new things going on in my life.  Just emptiness. 

The Friday before my mom passed away, I was standing outside talking to Janie.  I told her that I was back.  That I felt I had turned a corner in my life after so many long months of sadness and confusion regarding Daddy.  And the next day, to be back in the same place was terrifying.  I just saw this wave of emotion that was going to engulf me, and all the effects it was going to have on my life and the people close to me. And even more scary was that me, Sally and Janie didn't have one parent in our life.

How do I not get sucked into that hole again?  I am not sure.  The past week and a half has been so hard.  
I know the only way we made it through it was because of all the love and help our family and friends showed us.  Taking care of the kids for days on end, opening up their homes to let us sleep for a night after traveling so many miles and...most importantly..the hugs, conversations and promises that we always had them to lean on. 

We put together a beautiful ceremony for my mom in Greenwood with the help of Nanna, Penny and Mary.  We sprinkled part of her ashes where her daddy was buried.  The rest of her ashes will be placed near my dad in Pensacola and then the place she requested specifically.  The beach at 1770.  The place where we all shared our happiest memories.

I suppose I am writing this blog for my sisters now.  So I will just say this. We will mourn Momma and celebrate her too.  I know we have been through a lot, but we will get through this one day at a time.  And. I promise that I will be here for both of you forever.  Love, Moe