From Out of Nowhere

Sometimes it hits you, and you didn't even see it coming.  Solon and I were driving home from the library yesterday, and he spotted a Uhaul and asked if it was Uncle Jason.  It gave me a sad feeling immediately realizing that Solon associates moving trucks with his family and all the sad things we have had to deal with over the years.  I braced myself for his next question. 

"Where is MeMomma?"  I had to fight back a wave of sadness and try to answer him.  What should I say?  He is old enough to realize he hasn't seen her in a very long time.  But I still talk about her to him like she is still here with us.  So, I told him she was in heaven.  I didn't want to say that out loud because it just made it so concrete.  He asked me where heaven was, and I told him way up in the sky above the clouds. I looked back in the rear view mirror and saw his pretty eyes looking out the window up into the sky and trying to make sense of what I told him.  He asked me if he could get in a plane to go see her.  And I just hit a roadblock.  I didn't know what else to say, and I was so afraid of crying.  I didn't want him to think it was a sad or scary thing.  So I just told him that MeMomma loves him, and he can just look up in the sky and talk to her whenever he would like to.

My mom has been gone over a year.  The "day" was spent down at the beach with lots of family & friends, and I think I did a decent job at keeping all my feelings at bay.  Until right now.  How has a year gone by without her?  It just hurts my heart so much to realize so many things.  Namely, that Solon and Tudor-Beach will never know her except through me. 

Anyway, I made a quick video for her birthday.  I just wanted to post it so one day Solon/Tudor-Beach can find it if they want to see her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhqXTTX-vxg